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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29027910">it's like a dark paradise</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/b3lladonna/pseuds/b3lladonna'>b3lladonna</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Death, Eren Yeager is a Little Shit, F/M, Jean Kirstein is a Little Shit, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Dies, POV Female Character, Sad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:48:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,371</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29027910</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/b3lladonna/pseuds/b3lladonna</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>loving you forever can't be wrong,<br/>even though you're not here, won't move on.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>it's like a dark paradise</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>crisp and icy, the december air poked your cheek and the sight of children playing amongst the streets taunted you. the laughter of your friends ricocheted off the thin walls as you isolated yourself from the center of the noise, perched on a windowsill. the room beamed with the sound of chattering amongst the scouts and you heard connie declare his victory, presumably in the game they were playing; the game that you forgot how to play. your burgundy sweater was wrapped around your torso and the fabric had started to tear and become tattered. it didn't even smell like him anymore. it didn't smell like him at all. </p><p>"hey, y/n, come play with us! jean's challenging connie to a rematch" sasha giggled idyllically. </p><p>"i'm fine, sasha" you mumbled, refusing to look in her direction and instead focusing your gaze on the murky snow outside. </p><p>"aw come on, y/n. it's been ages, and you used to be so good at this! give connie a run for his money" armin whined, pleading with you. </p><p>"i said im fine. maybe another time" you sighed, wrapping the sweater around you even tighter.</p><p>"please, look, it can just be one game and-" sasha began, </p><p>"I SAID I DON'T WANT TO" you screamed, face heating up as you finally looked at them, registering the shock on sasha's face which was now transforming into shame. the room went pin drop silent and the scouts sat still, fearful of setting you off. you noticed hange put down her mug on the other end of the room and fix her calculating gaze onto you. </p><p>"what the fuck is your problem?" jean stood up, fists clenched and anger prominent in his voice, "sasha wanted to make you feel included, you can't blow up on her for trying." </p><p>sasha motioned him to sit down with her eyes but jean shoved her away, </p><p>"why do we have to tiptoe around her feelings? how long has she been like this? it's been 6 months already! you think just because she's moping around all day it's going to make the captain's death more memorable? how the fuck does this fix anything? he's not going to come back because she's sad or angry or whatever, he's not coming back. so what's the point in acting like this? to give you satisfaction? closure? peace?" his words jabbed your heart and the familiar feeling of an anchor tying you down resurfaced. </p><p>"jean, shut up" mikasa threatened, rising from her seat. </p><p>"he's right. it's not going to bring levi back. how many people have each of us lost in all these years? but we're soldiers, we move on. we all have. so should she." eren chided. </p><p>"enough. all of you. l/n, go back to your room. kirstein, get up, my office. now." hange's words sliced the tension sticking to the air. the room dispersed as people headed out, avoiding further conflict. </p><p>sasha stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, offering you a sympathetic glance.</p><p>"i'm sorry, i should've minded my business" she whispered guiltily as you headed over to her. </p><p>"it's not your fault, sasha. don't worry" you muttered, sincerity clear in your words. sasha's face lit up and in the spur of the moment, her arms wrapped around your neck in a warm embrace. her pinecone scent engulfed you and the feeling was so overwhelming, tears pricked your eyes. before you could stifle them, streams of tears fell down your cheeks and hearty sobs left your body. </p><p>"oh no, y/n" sasha whispered in your ear, soothingly rubbing your back, "i'm so sorry. i should've offered to help you. i should've done something" </p><p>"i miss him so much. everyday it gets harder, everyday it hurts more. jean's right in every sense; i have to move on. and i know that i'm arguably the most selfish person in the world. i'm imposing on everyone — everyone i care about — because i can't get over him. and that's not even the worst part, the worst part is that if i had the choice right now to forget and move on... i wouldn't want to. i don't want to forget him. i don't want to wake up and not think about him. i don't want to accept the possibility that i could ever be happy without him. i don't want to be anything without him. i wish i could've gone with him" your words shattered against your throat, every bottled up sob, every hidden tear, every sign of aching poured out of your soul, latching onto sasha's clothing. she continued to rub your back as all the pent up emotion flushed out of you. </p><p>"everything reminds me of him. everytime i see a single speck of dust in my room, i wait expectantly for him to come and yell at me for it; i'd purposely make a mess out of my things in hopes that maybe he'd appear out of nowhere and clean it up for me. everytime i hear children shrieking and laughing, i turn to my side, envisioning him cursing under his breath at how much of a headache they are. everytime i catch a whiff of the tea he'd always drink, i wait for him to bring me a cup, lecturing me about how it's good for my health and i ought to take better care of my body. every night, as the sky forms a blanket of stars, i break down in tears because he loved looking at them, and how could it ever be fair that i'm the one that the stars shine for now—how could i ever look at them and not have him with me, holding me in his arms. everytime i BREATHE, i wish my breaths would stop all together because i know his have. it's as if my entire soul has been snatched from my body and a fragile darkness consumes me, waiting to infect me with its poison. i wish the darkness would take me already, i don't care where as long as i can feel him against me again. as long as i can clasp my hand in his once more. i don't want to be here without him, sasha. i don't want to be here at all and i've never meant something with as much conviction as that." the hysteria crept into your voice and your monologue covered the atmosphere in a thick veil of melancholy, the only sound being your guttural sobs which were tearing the december night to pieces.</p><p>later that night, the clock ticked repetitively as it hit 12. the words 'DECEMBER 25' flashed on the clock and a sense of eternal peace lingered. sharp gusts of wind caused the windows to rustle and creak. your body lay spread out on your mattress. the whole world slept amongst the shadows — not even the chirping of birds could be detected. </p><p>and when morning called, the night would refuse to hand you over, desperately clutching you in it's dark hands, offering you it's last act of benevolence as it put you to rest, never to be disturbed again. </p><p> </p><p>crisp and icy, the december air poked your cheek and the sight of children playing amongst the streets taunted you. the laughter of your friends ricocheted off the thin walls as you isolated yourself from the center of the noise, perched on a windowsill. the room beamed with the sound of chattering amongst the scouts and you heard connie declare his victory, presumably in the game they were playing; the game that you forgot how to play. your burgundysweater was wrapped around your torso and the fabric had started to tear and become tattered. it didn't even smell like him anymore. it didn't smell like him at all. </p><p>"hey, y/n, come play with us! jean's challenging connie to a rematch" sasha giggled idyllically. </p><p>"i'm fine, sasha" you mumbled, refusing to look in her direction and instead focusing your gaze on the murky snow outside. </p><p>"aw come on, y/n. it's been ages, and you used to be so good at this! give connie a run for his money" armin whined, pleading with you. </p><p>"i said im fine. maybe another time" you sighed, wrapping the sweater around you even tighter.</p><p>"please, look, it can just be one game and-" sasha began, </p><p>"I SAID I DON'T WANT TO" you screamed, face heating up as you finally looked at them, registering the shock on sasha's face which was now transforming into shame. the room went pin drop silent and the scouts sat still, fearful of setting you off. you noticed hange put down her mug on the other end of the room and fix her calculating gaze onto you. </p><p>"what the fuck is your problem?" jean stood up, fists clenched and anger prominent in his voice, "sasha wanted to make you feel included, you can't blow up on her for trying." </p><p>sasha motioned him to sit down with her eyes but jean shoved her away, </p><p>"why do we have to tiptoe around her feelings? how long has she been like this? it's been 6 months already! you think just because she's moping around all day it's going to make the captain's death more memorable? how the fuck does this fix anything? he's not going to come back because she's sad or angry or whatever, he's not coming back. so what's the point in acting like this? to give you satisfaction? closure? peace?" his words jabbed your heart and the familiar feeling of an anchor tying you down resurfaced. </p><p>"jean, shut up" mikasa threatened, rising from her seat. </p><p>"he's right. it's not going to bring levi back. how many people have each of us lost in all these years? but we're soldiers, we move on. we all have. so should she." eren chided. </p><p>"enough. all of you. l/n, go back to your room. kirstein, get up, my office. now." hange's words sliced the tension sticking to the air. the room dispersed as people headed out, avoiding further conflict. </p><p>sasha stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, offering you a sympathetic glance.</p><p>"i'm sorry, i should've minded my business" she whispered guiltily as you headed over to her. </p><p>"it's not your fault, sasha. don't worry" you muttered, sincerity clear in your words. sasha's face lit up and in the spur of the moment, her arms wrapped around your neck in a warm embrace. her pinecone scent engulfed you and the feeling was so overwhelming, tears pricked your eyes. before you could stifle them, streams of tears fell down your cheeks and hearty sobs left your body. </p><p>"oh no, y/n" sasha whispered in your ear, soothingly rubbing your back, "i'm so sorry. i should've offered to help you. i should've done something" </p><p>"i miss him so much. everyday it gets harder, everyday it hurts more. jean's right in every sense; i have to move on. and i know that i'm arguably the most selfish person in the world. i'm imposing on everyone — everyone i care about — because i can't get over him. and that's not even the worst part, the worst part is that if i had the choice right now to forget and move on... i wouldn't want to. i don't want to forget him. i don't want to wake up and not think about him. i don't want to accept the possibility that i could ever be happy without him. i don't want to be anything without him. i wish i could've gone with him" your words shattered against your throat, every bottled up sob, every hidden tear, every sign of aching poured out of your soul, latching onto sasha's clothing. she continued to rub your back as all the pent up emotion flushed out of you. </p><p>"everything reminds me of him. everytime i see a single speck of dust in my room, i wait expectantly for him to come and yell at me for it; i'd purposely make a mess out of my things in hopes that maybe he'd appear out of nowhere and clean it up for me. everytime i hear children shrieking and laughing, i turn to my side, envisioning him cursing under his breath at how much of a headache they are. everytime i catch a whiff of the tea he'd always drink, i wait for him to bring me a cup, lecturing me about how it's good for my health and i ought to take better care of my body. every night, as the sky forms a blanket of stars, i break down in tears because he loved looking at them, and how could it ever be fair that i'm the one that the stars shine for now—how could i ever look at them and not have him with me, holding me in his arms. everytime i BREATHE, i wish my breaths would stop all together because i know his have. it's as if my entire soul has been snatched from my body and a fragile darkness consumes me, waiting to infect me with its poison. i wish the darkness would take me already, i don't care where as long as i can feel him against me again. as long as i can clasp my hand in his once more. i don't want to be here without him, sasha. i don't want to be here at all and i've never meant something with as much conviction as that." the hysteria crept into your voice and your monologue covered the atmosphere in a thick veil of melancholy, the only sound being your guttural sobs which were tearing the december night to pieces.</p><p>later that night, the clock ticked repetitively as it hit 12. the words 'DECEMBER 25' flashed on the clock and a sense of eternal peace lingered. sharp gusts of wind caused the windows to rustle and creak. your body lay spread out on your mattress. the whole world slept amongst the shadows — not even the chirping of birds could be detected. </p><p>and when morning called, the night would refuse to hand you over, desperately clutching you in it's dark hands, offering you it's last act of benevolence as it put you to rest, never to be disturbed again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>based on the song dark paradise by lana del rey.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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